Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
