I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
