Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize