He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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