I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
