you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
