i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
