Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
