How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
