I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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