Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
