Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We were destined to go to rehab together
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
