nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
