Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
