i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
