I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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