does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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