How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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