My Higher Power is John Stamos
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
where are you?
Hypothermia
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
