Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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