life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You ruined the universe
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
