OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
COCAINE IS GR8
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
