paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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