you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
