Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
