I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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