im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
