I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
