i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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