You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We are all done wearing pants today
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
