My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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