even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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