I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
