You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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