Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
