Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
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I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I want to fling myself into the sun
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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