Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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