You smell like stripper and shame
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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