Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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