I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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