I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
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