life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We have so much sex to catch up on
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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