fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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