I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
