I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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