dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
