He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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