My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
