i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
