I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
