actually, I'm a sock model
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
