he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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