i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
