I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
There's always time for handjobs
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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