If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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