I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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