There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
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Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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