I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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